Feeling Guilty

And so I’m back on a very strict low fibre diet, absolutely no exceptions and it’s got to stay that way until surgery in April. The high energy drinks have come out again, as has the soup. I’m glad there was still plenty of the home made frozen variety in the freezer. They all look the same when frozen, so it’s pot luck as to what I get on a day to day basis. It’s good to have an element of surprise. One of the first things I did when I got home last weekend was to throw out what would normally be regarded as healthy foods; broccoli, cauliflower, sprouts, but that’s what I had to do, they’re not healthy for me at the moment. My diet restrictions were lifted towards the end of last year, although still advised to eat sensibly, veering towards low fibre foods. I pretty much stuck to that, but was obviously not enough in the end as my colon continued to shrink well after the end of radiotherapy.

The large intestine, or bowel is a complex and delicate organ, not one that we think of much on a daily basis. But considering the amount of work it does (it’s moving and working constantly) it gets very little credit when talking about major organs of the human body. When things go wrong however, the consequences are pretty devastating, and it certainly is not reacting well to the stent that was put in last week. Despite medication to slow it down, and pain relief drugs, I’m finding it difficult to keep on top of the pain. I’m trying to be positive, but to be honest I’m finding that very difficult at the moment. I’m not worried about the diagnosis, just don’t like being ill, and for the first time in ages I do feel ill. I’m receiving words of encouragement and advice from all quarters, and I’m beginning to get quite irritated by it all. As if I’m not trying, not trying to be positive, not staying focused. I know everyone means well, and it’s my attitude that’s at fault, but at the moment I’m really struggling. Admitting that makes me feel really guilty. Now I’m feeling guilty for being ill ! Cancer head is taking over again, totally irrational thoughts.

As I get towards the end of the week, I can’t help wishing it was next week already. Despite wanting to get away from hospital last week, now I can‘t help but look forward to  a few days in hospital. It somehow takes away any concerns and responsibility I have. I don’t seem to have any control at the moment anyway, so handing it over to someone else for a few days isn’t really a problem. Somehow it’s reassuring to be able to speak to your consultant every day, get an update on how things are, why I’m feeling like I do, even if he only seems to bring me bad news at the moment. I wouldn’t feel guilty about lying in bed all day. I’m a bit anxious about what more they’ll find when they have a look inside me next week, if they manage to get past all the obstacles in the way. The one thing I have learned is that you don’t wait for results when you’re an inpatient. It does away with the long in-between period waiting to hear what’s been found this time.

Reading back, I realise I’m rambling. It’s a reflection on what’s going on in my mind at the moment. Not sure what to think, what direction I’m heading. I’m finding it hard to fight back, don’t seem to have the energy to put up any sort of resistance. I’m hungry, but couldn’t face a morsel of food. I realise I’m at a pretty low point, I know things will get better. I’ve had my share of bad news for the time being, so it must mean that good news is just around the corner.

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This entry was posted in Be Clear On Cancer, Be Loud Be Clear, Beating Bowel Cancer, Bowel Cancer, Bowel Cancer UK, Cancer, colonic stent, colonoscopy, CT scan, Health, Liver, Manchester Blog Awards, Metastatic Bowel Cancer, Oldham, radiotherapy, Springhead, The Christie and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Feeling Guilty

  1. Deborah says:

    No words of advice just from me, just xxxxxxxxxx

  2. I am with you. Of course it’s irritating to be constantly told to be positive and focus etc,,, but people don’t know what to say cos they scared too and it’s the easiest thing that falls out of their mouths. It seems dismissive doesn’t it at the end and makes you want to do the opposite, but I have learnt that people don’t always know what to say for the best too. Don’t you ever feel guilty, you are just having a very normal and completely understandable reaction to the enormous stress you are under and fear for the future. Give yourself a big hug. Sending one from afar xxxxx

  3. I am sorry. Life is a BITCH sometimes. Hope it turns around for you soon. Big cyber hug from me. X

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