No Apologies

I don’t apologise for feeling sorry for myself over the last week or so. I can’t pretend things haven’t been difficult. But at the end of the day I have to be grateful that it’s only me that’s affected. I’m always considering whether I’m writing to share my experiences, or just to burden my self pity on someone else. I think it’s every bloggers greatest fear that they are sharing too much information, giving too much away, and questioning the reasons that they are doing it. There is no doubt that it’s very cathartic, but that’s for my benefit, no-one else’s.  As is always the case, if I take a step backwards, have a look around and focus on other peoples problems rather than my own, then things don’t seem so bad after all. Nobody is dependent on my feeling well in the morning. If I don’t feel like getting out of bed, I don’t. Nobody is relying on me cooking a meal in the evening, if I don’t feel like eating I don’t. Nobody is wanting me to listen to their problems, I don’t have to make arrangements for others when I go into hospital. I don’t have to put on a brave face for anything or anyone, nor pretend that everything is ok. So I’ll make the most of my solitude and think of all those people who have no choice but to put on a brave face for the sake of others, no matter what their burden is.

It’s good to see the sun out, even though I’m not in a position to get out and make the most of it. Apart from an abandoned trip to the local village, I hadn’t been out since I last got home from hospital. That is until Saturday, when my brother and his wife came to visit. Steve is my elder brother, and I had not seen him or Jenny for a few years. The only time we ever seem to meet is by the Cider Bus at Glastonbury, that is when they can organise themselves to get tickets. Not quite as committed as me. We drove what would normally be the short walk along the old railway line to the local pub (no we didn’t drive on the railway line), three times the distance by car, but there’s no way I could have managed the walk. The venue was chosen purely on the basis that I knew it served soup. Todays choice was tomato & vegetable or pea & ham ? I didn’t really feel like eating at all, but chose the latter. It was the thickest pea & ham soup I’ve ever seen. Perfectly delicious, but I could barely manage half a bowl. I seem to be intolerant of any food at the moment and once again the weight is falling off me. They weighed me when I was in hospital last week, so I know that in just over a week I’ve lost another 6kg. Even I know that’s not good.

And so tomorrow I’m back in hospital for a few days. More tests and investigations, which hopefully will provide more answers. I’m hoping they can make me feel a little better than I do at the moment. The plan is to have another look around my colon, the areas they’ve not been able to get to yet. Identify just what those ‘hot spots’ really are. I’m not afraid of what they might find, I’d rather have answers than unknowns. I’m sure there’ll be more scans and x-rays. The bruises on my arms have died down, so they must be ready for more needles, I hope this time my veins are a little more accommodating. All being well I’ll be home again on Thursday by which time there should be more of a plan as to what happens when they go in for the big one in 2 weeks time. Then they’ll be ripping the bloody tumour out. Well I hope they’ll be a little more exact than ripping, but you get the idea. I somehow feel that all the time it remains inside me, I’m fighting a losing battle. At least when it’s gone we can start the attack on the deposits it’s left around my body.

Once again you’ll find below, details of the Beating Bowel Cancer website. Please take a look, find out what you’re looking for, what the symptoms are, and what action you need to take. You might not need it now, but at some time in the future it might just save your own or somebody else’s life. It really is a cancer that can be dealt with so easily if found early enough. Don’t ignore the symptoms like me, how I wish I could turn the clock back 12 months, maybe if I had taken action this time last year I wouldn’t be in the position I find myself now. Maybe that extra few months might have made all the difference. Instead I’m now dealing with advanced bowel cancer, having spread to my liver and lungs. Don’t let the same happen to you.

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If you have any concerns about bowel cancer, or just want more information or check cancer rates in your area you can find all the information advice and help you need here. www.beatingbowelcancer.org

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This entry was posted in Be Clear On Cancer, Beating Bowel Cancer, Bowel Cancer, Bowel Cancer UK, Cancer, Cider Bus, colonic stent, colonoscopy, CT scan, Festivals, Glastonbury, Health, Liver, Manchester, Manchester Blog Awards, Metastatic Bowel Cancer, MRI SCAN, Oldham, Saddleworth, Springhead, The Christie, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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