Early Morning Reflections

It’s just gone 6 o’clock Tuesday morning, and I’m up writing this. There’s been quite a gap since my last entry, and although I’ve sat down and written loads and loads, changing circumstances has meant that it was out of date before the ink was dry. Add to this a considerable amount of anxiety over the next few days and it means I’ve still not written anything of any substance. So here I am, I’ve been awake for the last hour contemplating whether I should hurry up and write something, or have another hour in bed. Today I’m going for an MRI scan on my liver. I was a bit concerned that I would not have had this scan before the MDT meeting next week, the original date I had been given was 13th June ! Thankfully, I went to the top of the priority list and somehow they’ve managed to fit me in today. I have the PET CT scan on Friday, so hopefully all the results will be in in time for the all important MDT meeting next week. We will all be waiting for the decision of Mr L, liver surgeon, and whether he decides that the tumours on my liver can still be removed by surgery. You may recall that It was always the plan to have liver surgery prior to, or at least at the sane time as surgery to remove the primary tumour. Mr L was anxious that there should be no delay. That plan went to the wall when I was admitted as an emergency with a blocked bowel. Subsequently I had a colonic stent inserted, and then surgery to remove the primary tumour. So I am sure you can understand why I am a little nervous over the outcome of these scans and decisions made thereafter. What has happened in my liver in the 10 – 11 weeks since plan A was put on hold? Have those pesky little tumours grown into bigger ones? Or have they spread their horrible claws deeper into my liver, or even worse, wrapped themselves around the major blood vessels supplying the liver? Any of these are likely to jeopardise my chances of liver re-section, which is the best chance of a ‘cure’. There is no cure of course, once you’ve had cancer the chances of it returning at some point in the future are increased ten fold and more. Even though I’ve had the primary tumour removed, there is still a 50% chance of the cancer returning, and the odds of being cancer free in 5 years are still considerably less than I would wish. I’m still not considering plan B, should liver surgery not be an option. I think I’ve reached a point in this long road that is cancer, where I have to be realistic. There’s a very shady area between optimism and realism. To date I think I’ve been pretty optimistic, but with that comes the disappointment when things don’t go to plan. So while optimism is still the influencing factor, I have to be aware and understand the uncertainty of it all, and the many different pathways that are still open. To match the gorgeous weather we have been having, I’ve been as well as I have been for months. Strides are getting longer and more often, although there is still one area that floors me time and time again – fatigue. Many a time over the last week I’ve made plans in my head to go out and enjoy the countryside around me, only to realise when I stand up that I’ve hardly got the energy to walk to the car. I have been out and it’s been great. Even a trip to the supermarket is a change of surroundings, but it always ends up with me being in bed by 8.30pm. Saturday was a real tonic, a last-minute arrangement to meet brother and sis-in-law. They live in Birmingham, and so it’s a bonus that half way point between us is bang smack in the middle of the Derbyshire Dales. Beautiful weather, stunning surroundings, pub lunch followed by an hour or so walking round the lovely town of Ashbourne. Market, Junk shops, charity shops, antique shops, camping shops, hippy shops, not had so much fun in ages. Lovely to see Steve and Jenny again, twice in a year – unheard of, and we haven’t even been to any festivals yet. Spending time with them makes me understand just how they manage to lose each other at festivals, quite easily really. Ashbourne is hardly the biggest town to walk around. Market square, pub, tree surrounded by shops that respect the historic architecture of the place. A credit to local planners, although I don’t understand how Ryman’s managed to get away with such a horrid shop front, that looked totally out-of-place when removed from a cloned high street. I joked with Deb on the phone that I would probably be heading for bed at 10pm as she was getting ready to go out. In fact it was 8.30, half time in the football. It was as though someone had just switched me off, I had stopped functioning due to fatigue. I have never experienced anything like it, and find it difficult to get across just what it’s like to be hit by fatigue. Tiredness is not feeling like doing anything, fatigue is not being able to do anything. I’ve got a new gate, the postman finally finished it off with his size ten boots that he uses to open it every day. There was a gaping hole in the bottom big enough for a small child to walk under, so the rotten old one has been replaced with a brand new one, bright green. I can’t believe the compliments I’ve been getting about my garden either J , really taken me aback, but I must say I feel quite proud of what I’ve achieved. All of a sudden it’s come together, changing colour as different plants come to bloom, and I can finally identify what they are. I’ve even been weeding, providing it’s within arms reach and I don’t have to get out of my garden chair. It’s certainly been the perfect weather for sitting in the garden, watching the bees, and listening to the pounding reggae from the guy somewhere nearby. So I’ll leave you with a photo of my garden. I’m on my third caffetierre, the sun is shining and I’m going to sit in that garden. Oh, by the way, Happy Birthday sis, don’t know what I’d have done without you x

This entry was posted in Ashbourne, Be Clear On Cancer, Beating Bowel Cancer, Bowel Cancer, Bowel Cancer UK, Cancer, chemotherapy, coffee, colonic stent, CT scan, Derbyshire Dales, Festivals, gardening, Health, Liver, Manchester Blog Awards, Metastatic Bowel Cancer, MRI SCAN, Oldham, PET CT SCAN, Saddleworth, Springhead, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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