Well, here we are at last. I’m not sure I know what to say, but it didn’t seem appropriate to let this momentous occasion pass without saying something. Whether it’s boredom of blogging, or boredom with cancer that has led to to the current impasse, I’m not quite sure. It’s been a long time coming, and I’ve had plenty of time to think about the impending surgery. Although originally planned for April, it’s only been the last couple of weeks that it’s been occupying my mind. I’ve had a few sleepless nights lately, even though I maintain I’m not worried or nervous . There’s no point worrying over things of which you have no control. I have to put my faith in the surgical team. We’ve discussed possible post operative complications, so there won’t be any surprises. Bleeding, embolisms, temporary liver failure, bile leaks, pneumonia, infections,jaundice, and heart problems. Of course, I’ve said ‘no thanks’ to all of them, although I’ll be lucky to get through it without at least one. I’ll have have a tube through my nose into my stomach, at least that will be inserted whilst under anaesthetic, having it inserted whilst conscious was probably the most unpleasant thing I’ve ever experienced. I’ll have a catheter, a doddle compared to the nasal gastric tube. A drain from the incision site, a CVP line going into my neck to monitor circulation, and an arterial line into my wrist to monitor blood pressure and pulse, and an epidural, maybe. I say maybe, the epidural I had for my last operation didn’t work and left me in considerable pain for the first few hours after I came round. I’ll be discussing this with the anaesthetist beforehand, but if I get a choice I’ll be opting for morphine via a PCA pump.
There, I told you there was nothing to worry about ! In all honesty it’s probably worse for others seeing me lying there with all the tubes and monitors. Lew is used to it, I was in intensive care for 5 days after my last op so he knows what to expect. My memory of those 5 days is vague, quite how 5 days passed so quickly is beyond me, although I suspect drugs had a lot to do with it. I remember that a nurse was at my bedside 24 hours a day, poor girls having to listen to my nonsense. I also recall listening to cricket on the radio. I don’t remember who was playing, but I do recall discussing it with my surgeon on his daily visits. Whether I remember there is an important test match starting in the early hours of Thursday, we’ll have to wait and see.
I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve had feelings of anger over the last few days as I’ve learned of others, some diagnosed long after me, who have received the ‘all clear’ following treatment or surgery. No secondary tumours or spread, no need for chemotherapy or further treatment. It makes me realise how long this has been going on. Of course they are not cured, the chances of cancer recurring are vastly increased once you’ve had it. We’ll all have to live with the worry that it will once again return. It soon dawned on me that there are also many that never made it that far, how awful that I should have these feelings. I know I’m lucky to have been given the opportunity to have surgery, many are not so lucky. For those that have received good news, I am pleased for you, I’m sorry that my initial thoughts were so selfish. It’s what I’ve always been calling for – early diagnosis, early treatment, early cure.
OK, so I am nervous. I’ve been wandering around not knowing what to do with myself for the last few days. At least now the day has arrived. The sooner this part is over we can move on, another one chalked off. Get this out of the way and we can get to the lungs. This cancer isn’t going to beat me.
Well I suppose that’s it, I’d better be off. (I am off, if you’re reading this after 10am) Not sure when I’ll be updating this again, but I will. I need far more to take with me to hospital this time than last, so the laptop is staying at home, but I’ll be tweeting just as soon as I can. At this stage I’m not even sure where I’ll be spending Christmas, so I’ll take this opportunity of sending my best wishes to you all. I hope you all have a joyous and healthy time. Thank you to those who have sent their good wishes and positive vibes, I’ll be taking them in with me into theatre tomorrow morning. I’ll be back! La la la la la, la la la la