If you’re reading this expecting to find out how I am after my operation, you really didn’t read until the end did you. For the rest of you, I couldn’t go without saying something. Besides, whilst I’m writing this I’m not doing all the other things I need to do before going into hospital. That is of course if I get there ! I found out the reason my op was cancelled last week. Something to do with fizzy drinks….the Coronavirus ! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-21442519 . One of the patients being treated is in intensive care at the same unit I am due to be admitted to at Wythenshawe Hospital. I’m not even sure how I feel about this. I’m still half expecting a late cancellation, the guy is still in there and I can’t see how the situation has changed since last week. Am I better off in there? After all the precautions being taken are sure to be ultra ultra safe aren’t they ? And what about the last SARS outbreak, didn’t really amount to much did it, unless you were one of the 800 or so people who died. I can imagine the scenario, waking up dazed in ICU, casual conversation with the guy in the bed next to you.
“been anywhere nice on your holidays?”
“Yeah I just got back from the Middle East”
Of course the guy with the coronavirus ‘ain’t speaking to anyone. The poor guy’s hooked up to an ECMO machine and will be far away in gaga land thanks to the powerful sedatives and antibiotics they will be pumping into his body. The ECMO is carrying out the functions of his heart and lungs, mechanically. Pretty amazing technology don’t you think. It is amazing, but it’s becoming an all to familiar place to me and I’ve decided I don’t like it. My last stay in ICU was pretty scary. As time goes on I’m getting clearer images from my mind as to what I experienced whilst I was under sedation, and somehow it’s made the memory of the previous time even worse than I originally remembered it. It’s so hard to explain, the knowledge that you are conscious and aware of what is going on around you, whilst your minds perception of what is happening is something altogether different, yet perfectly feasible. You’re participating in an event over which you’ve got no control. I’ve never been scared of any procedures or surgery I’ve undergone, but losing control of your mind and body can be pretty traumatic. I don’t want to be visiting there again.
I’m passing time before I head into Manchester to pick Lewis up from the train station. Sunday Brunch on the TV is doing nothing towards providing inspiration and enthusiasm to get ready for tomorrow, never mind the addition of Lewis into the equation. I’ve still not packed a bag. I can’t decide whether to eat in or out tonight. I haven’t done the laundry (short break here whilst I load the washing machine.) If there is ever a time when you are ready to go into hospital for surgery, it’s not now. I’ve never felt more ‘not ready’. I feel as though I could do with another week of doing nothing. I’m tired. Tired of hospitals, tired of routine, and having no routine. I’m tired of surgery, I’m tired of hospital, doctor, nurse appointments, I’m tired of cancer. I want to get in and out as soon as possible, no problems, or hold up’s. It feels like I’m being kicked back to square one again. You crawl slowly up that steep hill of recovery only to be kicked back down again. Each time you look up from the bottom, the incline looks steeper and the journey time longer.
Oh well, here we go again, guessing I’ll be updating shortly. In the meantime I’ll leave you with a song by Jake Bugg. Finally convinced to buy the CD by Louise – thanks Lou. No Lou didn’t record the CD, Jake did. Lou convinced me…..of never-mind. I Liked the couple of tracks I’d been hearing on the radio, but never quite plucked up the courage to buy the CD and listen to the rest of it. Until now that is.and I’m pleased I did. It’s a long time since I posted a music vid on the blog, so it’s good to put that right. Might get reported for false representation otherwise..