Now then, where were we? Before we were so rudely interrupted The longer the absence has gone on the harder it has become to rectify. If thought recognition software were available I’m sure I’d have dealt with this ages ago, but alas I haven’t and I’m left in the position now that I have to just get it over with and blurt it out. No planned lead up, fanfare, comical introduction or musical distraction. At least this way it may buy me a bit more time to work on the what happened in three or so months since I last published my inner thoughts. Oh don’t get me wrong, I’ve written them, many many times, scrapped them, gone through all the headaches, heart aches (is this a bit strong) and countless reams of paper screwed up and thrown across the studio floor. Yeah it is laying it on a bit thick, so I’ll just go for it…and here it is!
Two weeks ago I was given the not unexpected news that my disease is now regarded as being terminal. Results of a recent CT scan show further progression of the cancer and all curative treatment has ceased. Part of the problem of me updating this blog has been the constant changes both to treatment and it’s outcome, and in effect, the chemotherapy that has been so cruel to me this time, has had no beneficial effect and ceases herewith. In addition to the tumours we already knew about on my liver, and the ‘suspect’ areas on my lungs, further disease has been detected on my adrenal gland (back of kidney) right lung, new tumours on my liver, and a single tumour in the pleural layer of my left lung. It is the latter that is likely to cause me most problems and will probably prove to be the final nail. It has certainly caused me considerable chest pain for the last three months, and if nothing else, I’m pleased that it has been possible to identify the cause of that pain. Although the tumour itself may not be treatable, pain is, and for that reason I may undergo a period of radiotherapy in an attempt to relieve the symptoms. There is also the possibility of being considered suitable for inclusion on a further drugs trial, although I would emphasise, neither of these treatments is expected to perform any miracles, it is being regarded as palliative treatment only.
How long ?.. I hear you all scream. Don’t be embarrassed, it’s a natural question, it would be strange if you didn’t ask. It doesn’t mean I’m going to answer though. Anyone who has had a serious illness and comes into close contact with consultants and doctors will know they never give a straight answer, even when pushed. To be fair I have plenty of sympathy with them, it is being asked to play God and there are no rules or limits. We’re almost certainly talking in months. That could be a relatively short time, of even quite a long time depending on how you evaluate it. You get the picture. I have my targets and today they’re all still achievable. All the time I’m breathing and relatively well, I’m still alive, so let’s deal with it like that shall we.
All of a sudden I’m inundated with hospital appointments, not that I was being let off lightly before. More scans, tests, radiotherapy, this therapy that therapy, palliative team, Macmillan, district nurses…hey hold on I want to live my life ! What I’m saying is that I’m being kept busy, but I will get around to bringing my blog up to date with what happened over the summer. Glastonbury, Kendal, days out, days in the garden, gigs, concerts mini festivals, oh and a dislocated thumb. It seems inconceivable that I haven’t mentioned Glastonbury since I got back ! All will be rectified in due course.
It was not unexpected news when I got it. I’m not sure you can ever be prepared, but I knew we were reaching the end of the line when it was deemed the tumour on my liver was inoperable. Nonetheless, hearing such news throws you into a state of confusion until gradually the reality of it kicks in and you have to start to think of the practicalities of what is about to happen to you. It is a very strange situation to be in. I found it harder telling my Dad than my kids ! They were half prepared too, so no great shock to them. They have been wonderful and supportive throughout the entire progression of the cancer. My Dad on the other hand has become progressively forgetful and confused as he gets older. I see the frustration on his face as he realises he has forgotten why I am ill, and what has happened to me. But we will deal with it.
So that’s it ! I got up early on a Sunday morning and did it. I’m going to publish before I get distracted and start adding bits and pieces that are not really necessary at this moment. I know once I press publish I will feel a great sense of relief. It’s been a hard secret to keep.
Normal service will resume shortly.
Love to all xxx