It’s All Over

I suppose if I’d have given it any thought I could have predicted it would happen. Not the timing though, that was completely unexpected. I’d had a crap day, but it wasn’t that bad. Nothing that would leave me in floods of tears for the best part of an hour. The day started with a visit to the local hospital fracture clinic, 08.45am. I mentioned the dislocated thumb a while ago, and it’s still ongoing. I’ll explain later, because I need to put the day into context, not talk about the crumbled bones in the thumb. So I’d been to the hospital, satisfactory outcome and breakfast at Sainsbury. Then the reminder that I’d had bowel cancer. My bowel may now be the healthiest part of my body, cancer free, but it’s still been hacked about, twisted and looped around to exit on my belly. Let’s just say we had a major malfunction.

So although I was ready to go out for my second hospital appointment of the day, I had to shower, change, put the washer on etc. etc. All things I could do without. I arrived at The Christie for my MRI scan, exhausted. I could not get comfortable on hard table I had to lay on as it zoomed in and out of the scanner. Twice the radiologist had to repeat the scan as I’d moved part way through. Then the drive home around the M60 in rush hour.

I arrived home early evening and put the following tune on and immediately burst into tears. No matter how many times I tried to stop I couldn’t, even though I thought to myself, there’s no reason, I was laughing in between the tears at the stupidity of the situation as I sobbed and sobbed for half an hour. When I eventually stopped I just sat and carried on with the music, as if nothing had happened. I spoke to M on the phone who, as usual, put everything right. The realisation of what is happening has hit home. I can’t cope with the pace, and my body is giving in. The concoction of drugs I’m now taking is also playing havoc with my body and at times mind. And so it was a song that made me cry. Ha Ha, as if it was as easy as that. There was no particular reason, it was just “it” and I hate it.

I couldn’t leave the song out now could I. The Broken Family Band, sadly now disbanded. This wasn’t the exact video I was watching/listening to, it was the original that went with the song when released, but I chose this one because of its association with the TV series Skins. The song was playing in the final scenes of the last episode of series one. The early series were, in my opinion the best television for years, but sadly I think it’s lost its way now. Series one was by far the best, superb writing and acting and stars in the making with Nicholas Hoult, Dev Patel, Joseph Dempsie. It’s hard to believe it’s seven years ago now. Oh, and the song, I just love it, so simple yet powerful. The video I’ve chosen combines scenes from Skins series one. Enjoy !

Now to the thumb. I had better explain. Lewis and Kirsty were visiting for a few days, and we decided to go out and fly a kite. That’s what Dads do with their kids on a Sunday afternoon isn’t it? Lew reminded me it was twenty years ago we last did it, Portland Bill. It was very windy, not that it contributed to the stumble that saw me on the grass falling backward. What

I should have done was let go of my stick. I didn’t and my thumb was dislocated backward, at right angles to where it should be. It hurt, lots. Luckily the local hospital was just down the road, so off we went hoping to get my thumb put back into place. Nobody in the waiting room so straight in, x-ray, pulled back in place and off you go. Six weeks later it was still swollen, I couldn’t bend it, and the majority of opinion suggested I should go back to the hospital.

Didn’t they put a splint on it? 

No

Didn’t they give you an appointment to go to the fracture clinic

No

Didn’t they tell you to go and see you GP

No

I got the impression I wasn’t giving the right answers.  It was left that that the doctor I saw would discuss with his colleagues and let me know if there was anything they could do. I was eventually sent an appointment to go to the fracture clinic, where I was told, because I didn’t come back earlier, the thumb is still dislocated, and the joint has started to set as calcium settles around the joint. I need an operation to put it right, with a pin in through the knuckle for four months. Err no I don’t think so, my lung problems rule out any anaesthetic, the thought of a total arm block was tempting, but is there really any point in me undergoing the discomfort of a pin in my thumb for 16 weeks – NO thank you. So I’ve been left with a mega splint to hold my dislocated thumb in position. Makes me look like Robocop (apparently).

I’m taking valium to try and give me some sleep during the night.I have to say it’s working but it does have a detrimental effect during the day. I’m finding it very difficult to find the energy to do anything. Steroids to counterbalance don’t seem to be having any effect. I don’t know whether things are getting harder, sooner than I expected, or am I just imagining it. That can’t be the case, why would I imagine feeling so tired…I’m exhausted and every muscle in body aches with the slightest exertion, and I’m breathless with every move. I should have been in Birmingham today to see Jenny & Co in the Birmingham Great Run. I had to pull out last night, and I’m glad I did, although do feel guilty at letting them down, but seriously, I had no chance of making it there. Thank you for your donations, great to see the total doubled. I know there is a lot of outside sponsorship, I’ll let you know the final total when it’s all in. You can still make a donation here 

https://www.justgiving.com/jenny-hagues1/     BBC_logo

Two hospital appointments this week. First, Dr.S, oncologist. He will have the results from the MRI scan, decision time, radiotherapy or not. Then Thursday, Mr. S, colorectal surgeon. Just a routine 6 monthly check up. I think he wants to do a colonoscopy, but I can’t see the point now.

And so to the photo, T in the Park , year not known…I would guess 04 or 05. Not a lot I can say really, when you see a shot like that you just have to take it.

60966290833_0_ALBt05

 

Footnote : Linda Bellingham died from advanced bowel cancer yesterday, her death was announced this morning. Spread to her liver and lungs, she decided to stop chemotherapy in favour of a better quality of life. Nothing unusual, she died of bowel cancer because she didn’t catch it early enough. She was diagnosed July 2013. RIP. Don’t’ let it be you !

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This entry was posted in Be Clear On Cancer, Be Loud Be Clear, Beating Bowel Cancer, Bowel Cancer, BUPA Great Birmingham Run, Cancer, CAVA research study, Cava trial, chemotherapy, colonoscopy, Colorectal Cancer, Dev Patel, Health, Liver, Liver resection, Manchester, Metastatic Bowel Cancer, MRI SCAN, Music, Never2Young, Nicholas Hoult, Oldham, Palliative Care, Saddleworth, Skins series 1, Springhead, Stage 4 cancer, Steroids, T in the Park, The Broken Family Band, The Christie, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to It’s All Over

  1. Great blog Chris, okay for me to say stay strong as I am not going through it but stay strong, keep smiling and keep sharing your blog

    Take care, hugs Lesley

  2. jackiehill55 says:

    Good read xx Keep going you can do it xx

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